Adieus Fiffe

Yesterday I lost my pet friend - whom I used to call fatty, farty fiffe - my friend's cute and adorable 5 year old "Alfie" - a Jack Russell Terrier.

Fiffe battled for her life bravely after being bitten by a german hound on friday evening. A very very callous mistake by some crazy pregnant Indian woman who did not know how to mind her big dog.

Fiffe your going hurts so much that I don't even know how badly I'm hurt.
I lost my Brandy Bhatia (a Lhasa Apso) on 11th December 2005. He was 12 years old and he really suffered a lot in his last few days. My parents and I could not be with him since we were in Singapore. He went away in my brothers arms, though he was most attached to my father and me.

You know I still miss him. You would have seen his picture at the altar in my house, even now, after nearly 3 years!

Its said that pets take on themselves any harm coming on the family members and henec the untimely loss of Brandy and you.

But life goes on.....and time is a great healer, I guess!.

After Brandy, it was you.

Fiffe you were my constant companion for the last 3 years in Singapore. Not once did I ever feel alone and lonely in an alien environment thanks to you Fiffe and your owner/mum - my neighbour turned very good friend - Shirley.

Honesty is the highest form of love. And I must confess that I owe you both tonnes and tonnes in life - for being with me, when no one has been around. For making me a part of your family, for giving me the solace that even strangers from different backgrounds can become friends for life.

It is said that we connect with "those" few lives in life, with whom we have a past connection. Among all the millions and billons of lives on this earth, I came to be friends with you.
There's gotta be a reason to it - right?

The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.
Fiffe, you fullfilled your every purpose.

Thank you for everything.
Fiffe may you rest in peace, always.

Surviving midlife

Something strange is happening to me.

Snatches of songs of some 15 - 20 years ago have been humming in my brain.

"Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much, and I want to close my eyes and hide"
or
"I want to hold you till I die, until we dont break down and cry, I want to hold you till my fear in me subsides..."

Memories of people I once loved, or shared an uncommon communication with, flash back. I wonder who they are now?.

At times likes these, I feel I am stuck in some time warp - re-living the songs I loved some years back when I was younger with the flush of youth.
I think I am in the throes of midlife transition!

At the cusp of 40, my soul is telling me to stop and take stock. To trace back the pattern of my life to this point. To ponder life’s eternal verities. To be true to myself. And be prepared for the next phase of my human odyssey by next year, this time.

I dint realise until now, that midlife is indeed one of the major transitions in life. Until now, I had only heard of some of my older near and dear ones complain / explain this phenomenon.

I have been given to understand that if one does not navigate this period well, then we set ourselves for a miserable and disappointed old age.

Birth marked the first major phase of life’s passage. Adolescence came next, when I for one turned from a sweet kid into a door-banging, rebellious monster (my parents will testify).

And now I am at the threshold of midlife – as I now transit from youth into the second phase of life. This usually, by the way, takes place in the late 30s to late 50s (lest you think am on the wrong side of some other decade!)

And ofcourse, my last passage would be the end of my life, when I prepare for the final journey to death (which also can happen anytime, anywhere - beyond my control :)

Is this really the time to accept that we are beginning to age? The body starts telling you in no uncertain terms, anyways – what with a slightly weaker eyesight; slightly more grey hair; a slightly heavier frame – making one wonder if one is also less attractive now. What with late nights no longer giving an adrenaline charge and a headache from a late night that could last for days!

Sigh!

Eminent psychologist, Carl Jung’s theory is that in midlife, psychological needs repressed through ones growing up years force their way up to the surface of the conscious. (No wonder am so crabby these days)

So if you had always wanted to be, lets say, a mountaineer but got sucked into making a living for yourself and the people dependent on you, then you may find yourself in your 40s and 50s valiantly attempting to scale Everest.

Some people respond to the fears of ageing by aggressive denials. This is what lies behind middle-aged men’s sudden penchants for sweet young things, racy cars and flashy clothes – trying to re-create their swinging youth! (uff these men will never learn)

Guys, denial only postpones the moment reckoning. Imagine its like eating lots of garlic and then try to hide it with mouthwash. That odour just oozes out of your pores, thus making you smellier and messier :) :) :)

I am trying to face upto myself now-a-days – trying to reflect through the layers of time, through the masks donned over the years, to a place where I am most myself - all this through lofty dreams and success, through failure and rejection, lost illusions and shattered hopes.

I think I am getting more and more determined to live some of my dreams and choose to relinquish others. A self discovery; a process of self integration – with strands from who I was to who I have become to who I will be.

My life’s choices, so far – my Achilles heels – that caused me to stumble and land up being unfullfilled until now – to some of my angel props (my parents and best friends), my tools through difficulties. I have stifled through wilderness – but with some elation that I lived by my principles.

And most of all, to my surprise and wonder, through the sadness of lost dreams and broken heart and missed opportunities – and now the elation of discovery that all may not still be lost - through it all, a sense that, at the cusp of 40, I am (hopefully) returning home, to who I am meant to be.

Poached truths

1. In life just dont trust people, who change their feelings with time..... instead trust those people whose feelings remain the same, even when the time changes.....

2. Never explain yourself to any one. Because the person who likes you dosen't need it, and the the person who dislikes you won't believe it.

3. Dont let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life..... relationships work best when they are balanced.

4. The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; its when you dont understand yourself.

5. What we are today is a result of our own past actions; whatever we wish to be in future depends on our persent actionsl decide how you have to act now.

We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be.

We have the power to make ourselves.

6. Over the same sea, on the same winds; A ship sails in one direction, another in opposite. Its not the wind that decides which direction the ship goes; Its the sails; how they are tied and how they are maneuvered.

Similarly, its not just our fate that decides where our life is going; its also about how we take life and where we want to take it!

Stay firm Mr Prime Minister

India's accidental PM has been called a weak man, an indecisive man, a man who is merely the public face of the real PM who is the Congress Party leader Sonia Gandhi.

There is nothing further from the truth.

It is true he is an accidental PM. It is also true that he is not the quintessential politician. He has not been scalded by the heat, dust and grime of Indian politics. And to top it all, he is an MP in the upper house of Parliament from a State in which he has never ever lived!

But Dr Singh is in no way weak. Rather he is a man of principles and conviction. That is where the BJP and the commi’s have got it all wrong. They failed to understand that an accidental PM could become a real PM once in the job! If the leftists had tried to look at Dr Singh without their red ideological lenses, the present political crisis in Delhi over the Nuke deal would not have come to this who-blinks-first point.

Anyways, truth and honesty wins. And it did last week!

For the past 4 years, BJP leader Mr Advani has been calling Dr Singh a weak man. Now the entire opposition is calling the latter tough and unbending. Guys, you can’t have it both ways!

Actually, I feel when the dust settles, it is Mr Advani who is mostly likely to go down in history as a weak opposition leader who could not get his party to back a deal which they fundamentally believe in and actually initiated. This would have happened even if the government would have fallen last week in Parliament.

The BJP believes in close ties with USA, but its leader can’t muster enough courage to say that to his party or the country!

Shame!

The “weak principle” that the left believes in has led to the turmoil. They thought Mrs G would take the final call, and if push came to shove, she would baulk at sacrificing a government over a deal which may not even eventually happen if Obama comes to the White House in Jan 09.

This Mr Red’s was your first mistake.

Dr Singh had given his word to Bush and you all thought that there could be no such thing as “a word of honour” these days!

You guys were patently wrong!

The second mistake was the you Red’s did not understand the relationship between the PM and his party leader Mrs G who herself is a reluctant politician. You thought this was a master and servant relationship! I think the two of them – Dr Singh and Mrs G share a unique relationship of deep respect which is virtually absent in the Indian political system and rare in countries.

Dr Singh you put down your foot for the right reasons –the nuke deal is not just about a strategic relationship but it’s also of India coming of age and the ending of ‘nuclear apartheid’.

Now after all the political drama – it’s a different story - a stronger PM with more shaper teeth. These few extra months will put the PM on the fifth gear on economic reforms and dare devil deals, a free hand to overhaul India.

And if this accidental PM comes back for a second term he will have the greatest impact on modern Indian history, and might be able to make his place among the pantheon of great world leaders.

And then the Left would be left wondering why it blew its chances to shape the nation’s course!

And wonder where the BJP would be!

:) :)

In Pursuit of Happyness

Last few weeks / months were very restless for me. I just needed to get away for sometime from the same old routine and I guess I just needed that very well deserved break after a terribly hectic last few months!

What best a getaway of coming back home to the person (s) who matter most in my life!

Despite the displeasure of the lords and masters of my organization, I took 12 days leave from work with the thought of fulfilling every aspect of leave fantasy.

I am enjoying all the attention on me by folks what with those yummy aloo n gobi paranthas and rajma, chole and kadi chaval, indian/punju chinese et all with no deadlines or people to meet or phone calls.

Just eat, sleep, read and sleep all day long! Boy this is life. This is bliss :)

But despite this ideal scenario, the one thing I am most unfulfilled is of not getting to do “those” special things - the long drives on Noida Expressway, those lazy afternoon lunches with beer and crispy fried lamb; those walks in the Nehru Park etc etc.

I did, briefly, for just two hours, in the last 7 days go for that drive on the expressway but nothing else since I have been here but for few phone calls thrown in here and there once in a while.

But with this unfulfilling experience, I have begun to realize that when a dream (of coming home after 6 long months of loneliness) comes true, you don’t always get the happiness you thought would come with it;
Happiness is not something you can feel every moment of the day;
Happiness comes in small doses, so just be grateful for that;
It’s pointless to wish for a BIG happiness because it wont happen;

Perhaps Happiness is overrated!

Like most people, everything I do, everything I hope for and everything I regret, hinges on the pursuit of personal happiness.

Wikipedia describes happiness as an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy.

It is said that 50 per cent of a person’s happiness depends on his genes. A further 10 to 15 per cent comes from variables such as socio-economic status, marital or relationship status and health. The remaining reasons do not have a discernible cause.

I have certainly felt some contentment and satisfaction (coming from that drive) but I suspect I have ever felt bliss. And I am dead sure I have never ever known intense joy.

I so yearn to be happy and I so want to be happier. The irony is that this hunger and search for happiness is perhaps the reason I often find my self unhappy. :(

I did a little survey and asked around : On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the pinnacle of contentment, what would you rate your happiness level?

My mom gave herself between 6 to 7 (reason my not being married as yet!!). My sis-in-law said 8 heading for 10 now (the soon to be privilege of becoming a mother). A friend said 7 but the rating would go up if his beloved was back in life, the rating would shoot to 9.

Me? Dunno know! Perhaps between 5 to 7! It’s 5 when I’m functioning in neutral gear and 7 when everything I yearn for seems to be a reality (like that drive remember :) – scarily good but terribly short lived and hence only a ranking until 7!.

The problem of happiness is that it does not last, and it is subjected to the law of diminishing returns.

Scientist believe that everyone has an innate happiness “set point” to which we invariable return to. Good or bad events move us from that set point for a while, but it seems you can’t permanently raise or lower your in-born happiness level – or so the theory goes.

What is certainly clear to me is that like most things in life, happiness too is subjected to the law of diminishing returns – to attain something you wish for does make you happy, but only to a point. Beyond that, more and more of that thing add’s less and less to your happiness! (That’s called being unfulfilled).

I have this MacFlurry example. I love it and rarely have this sinful thing, but when I do, I greedily order two. The problem is that the first one is so satisfying, finishing the second wants to make me puke.

This is the scenario with my life and happiness too – as it is it is so hard to come by, yet when I do find it, it either doesn’t last long, or looses it’s magic after a while (because of the circumstances!), and am back to being 5 on the happiness scale.

My best friend Mrs P argues that happiness would be meaningless if one felt happy all the time. How can you understand happiness unless one has lived through unhappiness and can then compare the tow? – wise words eh!

The trick perhaps is to learn to live for the moment and appreciate what you have (but what happens when the moment is short lived and borrowed and the wait is endless!!!)
Our "that" special loved one(s) can't give something that is not already ours.

Being happy does not mean everything is perfect - it simply means you've decided to see beyond imperfections.

It is hard to be happy when you chase after happiness, forgetting that, hey, it could well be right there, staring at you, in the NOW and not stuck in the past or the future.

Office pal-itics

Last couple of weeks there have been a spate of departures from the organisation I work with.
Many of these decisions have surprised me, after nearly 15 - 18 years (and in one case over 25 years), they are now trying something new.

I have been with my organisation for 12 years now, and through the years, a firm kinda of comaradrie was built angsting over work assignments, gossiping about colleagues (sometimes only lah) et all. Though I must confess out of these few (ahem lucky ones) who have left, I was never "that" hot on friendship with most of the recent ones (but some earlier one, yes!).

Yet such depatures dont hit me until much after.

For me office pals are an important part of working life and I do marvel people who judiciously seperate their personal friends with office relationships (actually to an extent even I am one of them, but .....I do strive for the policy of "In Rome do what what the Romans did!). People come to office, keep to themseleves and concentrate 100 per cent on their jobs. And at the end of the day, they go back to after-work lives that no one has the foggiest idea about.

It's the working life experience boiled down to its cleansest, purest form - no frenzied shopping, on the clock lunch and no poking your nose into other people's affairs.

But much like a low-fat veggie diet, that is theoretically good for you, I don't really see much joy or laughter in such an existence (though am dead sure an organisation would love this scenario :) )

An average colleague comes in to work around 0900 hrs and does not leave office until around 7 pm (that's usually until when the bosses are sitting around waiting for their big boss to leave!) - realistically. That means as many as 10 - 12 hours are spent in office - or 75 per cent of waking hours in a day, five days a week.

In these critical waking hours crazy amout of stress is loaded onto us mortals - meetings, embarassement over a rival organisation getting that plum meeting, mutal dislike for the crazy old bosses - and with a pal in office, all this and more becomes that much more bearable.

Just sending an email or sms or msn chat - and chances are that things wont look quite so bad after that.

I was reading recently a research on 5 million people by some Gallup organisation shows that people who have a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged with that work.

But desptite this, bosses and us lowly workers see this differently.
As a manager and an employee, I feel office friendhships should never be discouraged. Though I do see some drawbacks.

The first has to do with the fact that friendships in office are quite different from those forged with classmates, where everyone is more or less equal. And second, while office pals may start out at the same level, but one could get promoted quicker and even become the other's boss.

And that's when these office friendship could turn sour and a failed realtion in the office is arguably much harder to manage than a friendship outside work. A friendship between a boss and colleague could open doors of jealousy and charges of favouritism as well.

I have also seen that office friendships burn brightly while they last and die off quickly when colleagues part ways. While one does feel a wee bit guilty of that promise one made of staying in touch, and when one does finally connect up, one lands up worrying about what to say! Colleagues leave, their circumstances change and one longer has a pulse on what's going on in their lives. And no matter how hard you try things are never the same again.

BUT, I am, atleast I think, one of those few lucky ones, (though I dont make friends that easily) who has some of the most lasting friendships made out of office.

To all you 'my' office friends, who have moved on, though I do envy you a wee bit (only for 'that' good opportunity that you got and I am still stuggling for!) , I cherish you - always.
And to the others, it was good while it lasted.

Until we meet again..............!

Life, one day at a time

Last few weeks the misery and destruction of Cyclone Nargis and Sichuan earthquake have gripped one and all.

We see these everyday these days in the newspaper - bodies floating in muddy waters, parents dead clutching their children, a headless torso caught between branches of a tree - not a word accompanied these, but then I guess no words were needed.

Since then I have found a little voice in me piping up : "what is a life?".
This question has piped up since late Feb in me (why this specifc month - I can't and won't tell!)

While I am madly glad to be alive, I strained for an answer then, as I do now.

While my situation is by no means any comparison to Nargis and Sichuan victims / survivors - who perhaps have just stubs of potatoes and onions to live on indefinetely?

I wonder what was life to that 60 year old man who was pulled out alive from the rubble after 12 days - that has buried his past, present and future?

When more than 90,000 people in Asia return to dust within 14 days, life does seem cheap.

Or am I looking at it the wrong way around?

A task, for instance, may be hard, but once you accept that it is hard, then suffering loses its sting, and you just get on with it.

In the same way, I think, it is only when one accepts that birth, death and all the bumps and burps in between mean essentially nothing in fullness of time that one is truly freed to begin casting the risk-shy ego and invest one's life with meaning.

To love living while accepting the slings it brings also writes off the dead-weight debts to self we incur every day from anger, guilt, pride and heart break.

I wonder if love make meaning-ful which has somehow been rendered meaning-less?

Like the anecdotal hermit, I still have no answer as to what life is because, really, none is needed. I look around me, thank God that I can still see, sniff, touch, hear, talk and feel!

And what a joy it is just to be!