Last few days, weeks have been one of the worst my life has offered so far.
I have had a long furious debates with myself.
I realised that while this phase will not physically kill me, but yet something inside has died. Its like life loosing blood.
I have imagined every possible scenario and have relaised that I am a worry wort.
I fret over my parents health, their quarrels, sibling antipathy, office politics, my friends and their loved ones and the problems that may face them even if they are lovey-dovey because really, how long can harmony last? I really wonder how long does open-ended love last?
All happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way!
Its a frame of mind I've brought to my own life. I worry, I worry a lot, and I worry all the time.
Come to think of it, maybe I enjoy it. Maybe I feel safer when I expect the worst.
If I fret and bad things don't happen (discounting the fact that there could have been a low probability of them happening otherwise, anyways! You see I am pretty convinced that I suffer from bad luck in life for I never ever get what I want), could it mean that fretting can prevent disasters from unfolding in my life? (They fold any ways, in the most natural way :)
It's what psychologists call "magical thinking" and believe me its addictive.
My logic is that worry isn't totally bad. It can be good when it focuses the mind to anticipate and avoid dangers.
If the worry about feeling destitute is always at the back of ones mind, chances are that one will be more careful with money. Or if health is a worry, then hopefully people would adopt good lifestyles and positive frame of mind.
But worry has become bad for me as it has paralysed my ability to have a normal relation with my life. It is debilitating to see my last few years through the eyes of fear of loosing, of fear -making me feel anxious all the time. And then still having lost out totally and actually.
I have been worrying all along about reaching the end or ultimate goal of my journey of life. When fate has actually thrown curveballs and snuffed out things / people from my life in matter of split seconds before even reaching my final destination.
So?
Now I am trying to work on "Dont worry. Be happy" (well - do I have a choice? - thats the cynical me again trying to argue otherwise)
You see positive thinking is like this ...............a little bird in the sky. You look up and it shits in your eyes. You dont mind and you dont cry.....You just thank god that cow and elephants dont fly!
Guess, being happy does not mean everything is perfect. It simply means that you've decided to see beyond imperfections.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Essence of existence
It all boils down to the essence of existence :-
Follow the Dog's rule of life..........
"If you can't eat or "f" it, piss on it and move on"
It would make more sense if the life's circle was all backwards.
Grave to the cradle .............. :)
One should die first and get death out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home with pension. Get you PF and start working.
You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy retirement.
You booze, party, and then get ready for high school.
Then you become a kid, play, have no worries.
Become a little baby, go back into the womb, spend your last 9 months floating.................and finish off as an orgasm.
Life rocks!
Follow the Dog's rule of life..........
"If you can't eat or "f" it, piss on it and move on"
It would make more sense if the life's circle was all backwards.
Grave to the cradle .............. :)
One should die first and get death out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home with pension. Get you PF and start working.
You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy retirement.
You booze, party, and then get ready for high school.
Then you become a kid, play, have no worries.
Become a little baby, go back into the womb, spend your last 9 months floating.................and finish off as an orgasm.
Life rocks!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Fair virtue
Until now, my life has proven wrong the long held theory of mine that "if you really want something badly then nature conspires to grant it to you"!
I guess I have yet not absored the things I have done in life and thats why they keep repeating themselves.
Living is like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights but you can make the whole trip that way!
Unfullfilled and ..............
Thats why people like me like to believe that 'fairness' is a virtue only because the world is so unfair'.
I guess I have yet not absored the things I have done in life and thats why they keep repeating themselves.
Living is like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights but you can make the whole trip that way!
Unfullfilled and ..............
Thats why people like me like to believe that 'fairness' is a virtue only because the world is so unfair'.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Change
I was reading some heavy funda stuff on love and commitments etc the other day.
I disntinctly remember, it said that when a person is in need of cataclysmic change, of a whole new center in personality, for instance, his or her psyche would induce an infatuation, an erotic attachment, an intense falling-in-love. Analyst say falling in love was the oldest, most ruthless catalyst on earth.
But dont we typically fall in love with something missing in our selves (or our lives!)?
Our 'that' special loved one cant give something that is not already ours.
When we truly find love, we find ourselves.
We often fear the thing we want the most.
And then we cry for someone who does not deserve our tears because the deserving one would never let you cry. S0, why cry for someone, why let them be a priority in your life, when you are just an option for them?!
Life begins at the end of our comfort zone.
I disntinctly remember, it said that when a person is in need of cataclysmic change, of a whole new center in personality, for instance, his or her psyche would induce an infatuation, an erotic attachment, an intense falling-in-love. Analyst say falling in love was the oldest, most ruthless catalyst on earth.
But dont we typically fall in love with something missing in our selves (or our lives!)?
Our 'that' special loved one cant give something that is not already ours.
When we truly find love, we find ourselves.
We often fear the thing we want the most.
And then we cry for someone who does not deserve our tears because the deserving one would never let you cry. S0, why cry for someone, why let them be a priority in your life, when you are just an option for them?!
Life begins at the end of our comfort zone.
Fulcrum of influence
When I was in a Delhi a few weeks, I remember two particular stories which intrigued me, they reeked of sick flamboyance of two different kinds.
First story - Late one evening a few forthnights ago, it seems Rahul Gandhi (the handsome loose cannon!) dropped in on a village in his constituency. He claims to be a development economist was discussing his ideas, which carried onto the night and he accepted a simple meal offerd by some dalit women and then rested on a charpai (string cot) until daybreak.
A gesture like this under normal circumstances by an ordinary soul like me perhaps would have gone unnoticed. But the sicon of the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty trying to build his political career caught the media attention.
Guess, India is getting ready for elections, perhaps this year, and any gesture by a leading politican is watched for fresh meaning.
Bill Clinton or Barack Obama eating a hamburger anywhere would go unnoticed I am sure.
Story two - Anyways, Rahul Gandhi found lodgings in a dalit's house without fear of his personal security was driving yet another stiletto into India's 'current' hottest political prospect - Mayawati Naina Kumari (BTW - until now I dint know she had such a loooooong name :).
Bhen Maya, a former teacher, is the first and ONLY Dalit Chief Minister (I keep telling my Dad, that I have been into a wrong family - should have been either in a richie rich or OBC - and bhoy oh bhoy- where would I be then !).
Mayawati was born poor and has seen a meteoric rise in Indian politics. Her majority now ensures that she is a force to reckon with. Mayawati astutely gave large number of seats to muslims and upper caste brahamins and has assembled a rainbow coalition that had served as Congress vote bank until now.
With power, comes flamboyance. This one time poor dalit now mass leader now seems fears her personal security, celebrates her birthday in style wearing diamonds with slimy bureaucrats finger-feeding cake to their boss! (sic)
Today she has insatiable thurst for diamonds and her wealth seems to multiply each year and her power by the moment.
In recent state elections her candidates ate into the Congress votes and gave the victories to BJP instead (though she hates them equally). And with this she can now demand at will dollops of funds from the Congress govt for her state .
What an irony - it was Rahul Gandhi attracted large crowds during the UP elections, BUT it was Mayawati who got the power.
She has a dream to head to Delhi and she is journeying her way there by overturning the power patterns making her the fulcrum of influence.
First story - Late one evening a few forthnights ago, it seems Rahul Gandhi (the handsome loose cannon!) dropped in on a village in his constituency. He claims to be a development economist was discussing his ideas, which carried onto the night and he accepted a simple meal offerd by some dalit women and then rested on a charpai (string cot) until daybreak.
A gesture like this under normal circumstances by an ordinary soul like me perhaps would have gone unnoticed. But the sicon of the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty trying to build his political career caught the media attention.
Guess, India is getting ready for elections, perhaps this year, and any gesture by a leading politican is watched for fresh meaning.
Bill Clinton or Barack Obama eating a hamburger anywhere would go unnoticed I am sure.
Story two - Anyways, Rahul Gandhi found lodgings in a dalit's house without fear of his personal security was driving yet another stiletto into India's 'current' hottest political prospect - Mayawati Naina Kumari (BTW - until now I dint know she had such a loooooong name :).
Bhen Maya, a former teacher, is the first and ONLY Dalit Chief Minister (I keep telling my Dad, that I have been into a wrong family - should have been either in a richie rich or OBC - and bhoy oh bhoy- where would I be then !).
Mayawati was born poor and has seen a meteoric rise in Indian politics. Her majority now ensures that she is a force to reckon with. Mayawati astutely gave large number of seats to muslims and upper caste brahamins and has assembled a rainbow coalition that had served as Congress vote bank until now.
With power, comes flamboyance. This one time poor dalit now mass leader now seems fears her personal security, celebrates her birthday in style wearing diamonds with slimy bureaucrats finger-feeding cake to their boss! (sic)
Today she has insatiable thurst for diamonds and her wealth seems to multiply each year and her power by the moment.
In recent state elections her candidates ate into the Congress votes and gave the victories to BJP instead (though she hates them equally). And with this she can now demand at will dollops of funds from the Congress govt for her state .
What an irony - it was Rahul Gandhi attracted large crowds during the UP elections, BUT it was Mayawati who got the power.
She has a dream to head to Delhi and she is journeying her way there by overturning the power patterns making her the fulcrum of influence.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Just another day
Maybe I have become more cynical, but seriously, do more expensive roses and candlelit dinners truly show your love for "that" someone?!
By the way, I think I am as romantic as any other female. I adore long walks (in the gardens in Delhi OR perhaps the beach in Singapore) at sunset and I would never ever turn down roses ( just imagine, which by the way were once bought for me from the temeple across my office in Delhi!) or chocolates - all cliched tokens of love.
But honestly, I draw the line - at candlelit dinners, I would most certainly like to see what I am eating and preferably see the face sitting across me as well :)
In Singapore recently, a newspaper carried a special supplement giving ideas on what gifts to buy and where to spend Valentine's Day or night!.
Imagine some of the bizarre ideas and costs - a trip on the Singapore Flyer which comes with a glass of champagne each (no food mind you expcept a box of chocolates) @ SGD 390 for a 1/2 hour ride. The capsule will have a theme (I am presuming some photos of half naked babes (btw - why would I want my man to be oggling at them on this so called special day!) and some hearts hanging around!) with some background music. And by the way you if you do get into a lovey dovey mood, you gotta behave yourself because you would be sharing the capsule with 10 other couples!
And if you want complete privacy, then couples have to be prepared to pay SGD 3,990 to block the entire capsule for yourself.
Bizaare !
Instead, I would rather recommend that you book a london cab for SGD 250 which comes with your own violinist and 3 roses and a ride anywhere of your choice.
I have failed to understand why and how these opportunistic businesses jack-up prices on 14th Feb - right from roses to chocolates to just about anything. Perhaps over the years I have become more cynical (or should I say practical) as these grand gestures of amour become even grander.
Honestly, I have nothing against these couples who choose to sip champagne on giant ferris wheels or take the cable car dinner - if they can afford it and gives them their true love - good for them lah!
What would really make me go weak in the knees is someone cleaning my house, cooking (non-candlelit - for I dont want my house on fire rather than my heart), doing my grocery and laundry and ironing.
Guess this is no guys idea of romance.
But hey if I am beginning to sound like sour grapes then let me assure you that I am not some bitter old maid who has never been showered with Valentine roses (remember the ones from the temple once upon a time :)
And I was given a wrought iron (ugly) lion (because I am leo!) and a very delicate cut glass ganesh statue with a bell and some paulo cohelo books and some fab India tops)
Hey, If I have forgotten to say thank you - then I really really mean it today. From the bottom of my heart.
And for the times that I did not get a gift, I always remember this car sticker which said "I got you nothing because that's what you wanted. XYZ" - so forgiven :)
But on a serious note - if one is secure with each other that the relationship is not determind by "that" one day of the year, well, isn't that better than the chocolates and the flowers?!
Truly the best present is the gift of your heart and soul and commitment to "that" someone.
Shouldn't everyday be Valentine Day!
By the way, I think I am as romantic as any other female. I adore long walks (in the gardens in Delhi OR perhaps the beach in Singapore) at sunset and I would never ever turn down roses ( just imagine, which by the way were once bought for me from the temeple across my office in Delhi!) or chocolates - all cliched tokens of love.
But honestly, I draw the line - at candlelit dinners, I would most certainly like to see what I am eating and preferably see the face sitting across me as well :)
In Singapore recently, a newspaper carried a special supplement giving ideas on what gifts to buy and where to spend Valentine's Day or night!.
Imagine some of the bizarre ideas and costs - a trip on the Singapore Flyer which comes with a glass of champagne each (no food mind you expcept a box of chocolates) @ SGD 390 for a 1/2 hour ride. The capsule will have a theme (I am presuming some photos of half naked babes (btw - why would I want my man to be oggling at them on this so called special day!) and some hearts hanging around!) with some background music. And by the way you if you do get into a lovey dovey mood, you gotta behave yourself because you would be sharing the capsule with 10 other couples!
And if you want complete privacy, then couples have to be prepared to pay SGD 3,990 to block the entire capsule for yourself.
Bizaare !
Instead, I would rather recommend that you book a london cab for SGD 250 which comes with your own violinist and 3 roses and a ride anywhere of your choice.
I have failed to understand why and how these opportunistic businesses jack-up prices on 14th Feb - right from roses to chocolates to just about anything. Perhaps over the years I have become more cynical (or should I say practical) as these grand gestures of amour become even grander.
Honestly, I have nothing against these couples who choose to sip champagne on giant ferris wheels or take the cable car dinner - if they can afford it and gives them their true love - good for them lah!
What would really make me go weak in the knees is someone cleaning my house, cooking (non-candlelit - for I dont want my house on fire rather than my heart), doing my grocery and laundry and ironing.
Guess this is no guys idea of romance.
But hey if I am beginning to sound like sour grapes then let me assure you that I am not some bitter old maid who has never been showered with Valentine roses (remember the ones from the temple once upon a time :)
And I was given a wrought iron (ugly) lion (because I am leo!) and a very delicate cut glass ganesh statue with a bell and some paulo cohelo books and some fab India tops)
Hey, If I have forgotten to say thank you - then I really really mean it today. From the bottom of my heart.
And for the times that I did not get a gift, I always remember this car sticker which said "I got you nothing because that's what you wanted. XYZ" - so forgiven :)
But on a serious note - if one is secure with each other that the relationship is not determind by "that" one day of the year, well, isn't that better than the chocolates and the flowers?!
Truly the best present is the gift of your heart and soul and commitment to "that" someone.
Shouldn't everyday be Valentine Day!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Drop your masks Hillary!
Super Tuesday was meant to be the day when everything about the US Presidential nomination races became clear.
But the results were pretty much on the contrary atleast for the Democrats.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama seem condemned to cotinue their long, weary battel for supremacy.
But the interesting thing emerging is the changing tacks of Mrs Clinton - masks she seems to be shedding or changing ever so frequently!
In her case, her campaign appears to be getting ready to undergo yet another transformation!
Uff - what all lusting for power can make one do!
This former first lady began the race by projecting herself as the inevitable winner.
When this did not work out, she listed her husband's support. Bill Clinton turned out to be a disaster for her - his appearances complete with personal attacks against Barack Obama, all backfired.
Now, we are witnessing the emergence of a third tack / mask of Mrs Clinton - implausibly portraying herself as the underdog!, the candidate with less money, a fragile person (crying at the drop of hat these days! - she did not cry when Bill was being impeached because of ' a little bit of Monica in his life'!) determined to continue the good fight!
Just yesterday I was planning to blog my support for you against critics of your wrinkles and age! I wanted to hail women power! But not now, not after todays reports. Just this morning I read in the newspapers that you have appealed to your financial backers by saying " I have never asked so much of you as I am now, but the need has never been greater"
whew!
The legendary Clinton machinery restoring to such desperate measures!
Mrs Clinton, your problems is that, at least in the near future, Mr Barack Obama will be doing all the running! Until you drop all the masks and reveal the REAL you, tears, wrinkles et all
BUT, my smart money is on Obama.
But the results were pretty much on the contrary atleast for the Democrats.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama seem condemned to cotinue their long, weary battel for supremacy.
But the interesting thing emerging is the changing tacks of Mrs Clinton - masks she seems to be shedding or changing ever so frequently!
In her case, her campaign appears to be getting ready to undergo yet another transformation!
Uff - what all lusting for power can make one do!
This former first lady began the race by projecting herself as the inevitable winner.
When this did not work out, she listed her husband's support. Bill Clinton turned out to be a disaster for her - his appearances complete with personal attacks against Barack Obama, all backfired.
Now, we are witnessing the emergence of a third tack / mask of Mrs Clinton - implausibly portraying herself as the underdog!, the candidate with less money, a fragile person (crying at the drop of hat these days! - she did not cry when Bill was being impeached because of ' a little bit of Monica in his life'!) determined to continue the good fight!
Just yesterday I was planning to blog my support for you against critics of your wrinkles and age! I wanted to hail women power! But not now, not after todays reports. Just this morning I read in the newspapers that you have appealed to your financial backers by saying " I have never asked so much of you as I am now, but the need has never been greater"
whew!
The legendary Clinton machinery restoring to such desperate measures!
Mrs Clinton, your problems is that, at least in the near future, Mr Barack Obama will be doing all the running! Until you drop all the masks and reveal the REAL you, tears, wrinkles et all
BUT, my smart money is on Obama.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Obama ki "Maya"
I am self confessed Barack Obama fan.
Though mind you I have no love for America or Amercians as such!
This middle class small town man, African Amercian, has suddenly landed center stage and has caught the world's imagination and mine too :)
For some inexplicable reason I am becoming increasingly interested in geo-politics and personalities. And in the last few months two people have me gripped - UP's Mayawati and this Senator from Illinois, USA - Barack Obama.
The two come from humble backgrounds and from virtually no-where landed themselves on the respective national polotical secne. Both are relatively young and represent minrotries in their respective countries.
They both in a very uncanny way have played their election sums in a rather similar shrewd way. They both started by first getting the support of the majority races and then focusing on the miniority races. Obviously hoping that the miniority votes would come their way once the winds were blowing in their favour.
Mayawati won an unprecdented elecation in UP's history on the vote bank of the Brahamins, Muslims and the Dalit just happened to fall into the BSP ballot boxes.
The good looking, well spoken Barack Obama while insisting to the majority whites that this election is not about an African wnating to make history in the White House, is cashing in on this ethnic factor by far the most so far.
While he is not the first black presidential candidate, but then neither did Reverend Jesse Jackson in 1984 and 1988 no Reverened Al Sharpton in 2004 come as close to being nominated by democartic party.
While Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama may go hoasrse trying to convenience themseleves (atlest the outer fascade) and the American and the world that this election is not about gender or enthicity. But then these are the respective votes that both of them are banking on resepctively.
Ironically, Barack Obama has shattered the aura of invincibility that has shrouded Hillary Clinton. He is getting votes 1/3 votes from female voters. He is giving the Americans, irrespective of race or colour, the soaring message of hope and generational political changes, which is thrilling crowds wherever he has been travelling.
That's the aura and change the Mayawati has promised to deliver winning from the majority and delivering (hopefully) for the miniority dalits.
During my recent holidays, I happened to drive a lot around Noida, Greater Nodia, Aligarh etc in UP - change is in the air, its coming and coming fast (ofcourse with the rider that whatever develeopment is allowed has to be at the cost of major per centage going into the Maya-BSP kitty!)
But for the moment, keep your honest conscience at bay for the sake of the people of UP (and perhaps India for Maya seems to be slowly and gradually paving the road for "the" hot seat in New Delhi come 2009).
Anyways back to the USA elections. D despite the results of Super Tuesday results with Hilliary Clinton wearing her heart on her sleeve and tears in her eyes (by the way her wrinkles are all too visible) I am still rooting for Barack Obama.
Though mind you I have no love for America or Amercians as such!
This middle class small town man, African Amercian, has suddenly landed center stage and has caught the world's imagination and mine too :)
For some inexplicable reason I am becoming increasingly interested in geo-politics and personalities. And in the last few months two people have me gripped - UP's Mayawati and this Senator from Illinois, USA - Barack Obama.
The two come from humble backgrounds and from virtually no-where landed themselves on the respective national polotical secne. Both are relatively young and represent minrotries in their respective countries.
They both in a very uncanny way have played their election sums in a rather similar shrewd way. They both started by first getting the support of the majority races and then focusing on the miniority races. Obviously hoping that the miniority votes would come their way once the winds were blowing in their favour.
Mayawati won an unprecdented elecation in UP's history on the vote bank of the Brahamins, Muslims and the Dalit just happened to fall into the BSP ballot boxes.
The good looking, well spoken Barack Obama while insisting to the majority whites that this election is not about an African wnating to make history in the White House, is cashing in on this ethnic factor by far the most so far.
While he is not the first black presidential candidate, but then neither did Reverend Jesse Jackson in 1984 and 1988 no Reverened Al Sharpton in 2004 come as close to being nominated by democartic party.
While Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama may go hoasrse trying to convenience themseleves (atlest the outer fascade) and the American and the world that this election is not about gender or enthicity. But then these are the respective votes that both of them are banking on resepctively.
Ironically, Barack Obama has shattered the aura of invincibility that has shrouded Hillary Clinton. He is getting votes 1/3 votes from female voters. He is giving the Americans, irrespective of race or colour, the soaring message of hope and generational political changes, which is thrilling crowds wherever he has been travelling.
That's the aura and change the Mayawati has promised to deliver winning from the majority and delivering (hopefully) for the miniority dalits.
During my recent holidays, I happened to drive a lot around Noida, Greater Nodia, Aligarh etc in UP - change is in the air, its coming and coming fast (ofcourse with the rider that whatever develeopment is allowed has to be at the cost of major per centage going into the Maya-BSP kitty!)
But for the moment, keep your honest conscience at bay for the sake of the people of UP (and perhaps India for Maya seems to be slowly and gradually paving the road for "the" hot seat in New Delhi come 2009).
Anyways back to the USA elections. D despite the results of Super Tuesday results with Hilliary Clinton wearing her heart on her sleeve and tears in her eyes (by the way her wrinkles are all too visible) I am still rooting for Barack Obama.
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